I would like to always be kind, thoughtful, and considerate. I think many of us want that. But then, life throws us a tough moment, and we quickly react with a sharp and cruel response. How does that happen? We don’t want to be mean to people we know and love, but stress pushes us, and a nasty response just “happens.”
What does that mean? Are we really only kind, trustworthy, and considerate in ideal situations?
Daniel Goleman, in his book “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ,” says:
“The more intense the amygdala arousal, the more it impairs the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that makes us smart. Under stress, we are less able to learn, remember, or make decisions. When the amygdala hijacks the brain, we respond impulsively and irrationally.”
Basically, we “lose our minds,” and it affects our reactions. That’s why it feels like the responses are “not me” even though I am the one making them. It’s not that we’re not allowed to be in these challenging feelings; it’s about learning how to respond to them.
If my feelings are amplified in any way, that’s usually a bad place for me to respond from. And it’s really difficult not to. When I get heated about something, my feelings feel big, so I want to react to them in a big way. But I can feel my mind limit my perspective. I am unable in that state to make good decisions. Now that I know that, if I’m feeling emotional, I try and practice delaying my response. Which, by the way, is not fun at all. Especially at first. It feels unfair and scary. I felt pushed around when I didn’t respond. It’s way more “fun” in the moment to yell and blurt out any expression of thought that comes to mind. But that’s the thing, I already lost my mind to anger, sadness, loneliness, hunger, etc. It is not helpful to speak my thoughts when they are disturbed by high emotions. Life is smoother when I take a breath.
ACTION: Practice a one-minute breathing exercise. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and focus on the rhythm of your breathing. This simple action can help calm your mind and improve your response.
