I’ve heard it many times: when someone is upset, don’t offer solutions. Ironically, that idea seems to upset people. If someone I know is struggling and I can clearly see the solution, why wouldn’t I offer it?
To understand this better, I thought about my own experiences. What happens when I’m upset? Say I tell someone close to me that I’m struggling to get my work done because I think I’m stupid and lazy. In my right mind, I don’t believe that. When I’m well-rested, nourished, and generally taking care of myself, I know I’m capable at my job. I know I can handle challenges when they arise. But when I’m upset, I don’t feel like myself. And I think that’s key: the person who’s upset might be someone neither of us quite recognizes. And when that happens, if we aren’t careful, it can easily turn into a misunderstanding or even a fight.
So what can we do? When someone is sad or struggling, what’s our role?
If I’m not acting or sounding like myself, treat me like that. Recognize that you’re dealing with a version of me that even I might not fully recognize. If I’m normally not this confused or hard on myself, then giving me “the answer” isn’t what I need. I’m not in a place to hear it. Instead, meet this current version of me with curiosity.
Ask questions. Walk with me through these feelings—even if they aren’t true. The part of me that’s upset is trusting you enough to show up, hoping you won’t dismiss it. If you jump to solutions, it feels like you’re brushing this version of me aside, trying to bring back the “usual” me, when I’m simply not ready yet. Instead, show me you’re willing to sit with this side of me—the part that loses itself, the part that only comes out when seeking comfort.
I probably know the answers, and I might already understand what I need to do next. But first, I need someone to just sit with me, without judgment, without fixing—just someone who’s willing to get to know the me that’s here right now.
ACTION: The next time someone you care about is struggling, resist the urge to fix. Instead, get curious. Ask questions like, “What’s making you feel this way?” and see how you can sit with them in that moment. Your presence might be what they need most.
