In my childhood home, being quiet felt safe. When I did express myself, the more agreeable I was, the better the outcome for me. As I grew older, this silence directed my personality and I became shy. I wanted to be picked for a singing part in a school play and didn’t speak up. I wanted to tell the jokes that were in my head but didn’t want to risk not landing them well. I wanted to share my opinion on the songs my classmates were talking about and I let the conversation pass. Being bashful held me back; it choked the life out of conversations and locked away my true thoughts. I wasn’t able to be myself. When I realized this, I decided to change. Little by little, I spoke up.
Part of that journey felt embarrassing. Not every step went as I thought or hoped. I remember the first time I shared a song I wrote in public. I could hear my voice shake as I sang at an open mic. Ultimately, it was worth the discomfort. That courageous step gave me freedom. I survived the discomfort through the fear and felt proud of myself; giving me confidence to try again.
With some practice taking small steps out of my comfort zone, I developed my voice and was able to join in and engage more often.
This experience made me realize many of us develop coping mechanisms to navigate our unique environments. Some of us become quiet observers, others adopt a more boisterous personality, some take a rigid approach, etc. These strategies helped us survive, and sometimes even thrive, in those early years. But now that we’re out of that childhood environment, the question becomes: are these same strategies still serving us well?
Our childhood shapes us, but it doesn’t define us. As we navigate adulthood, we can embrace the opportunity to shed outdated coping mechanisms and cultivate strategies that allow us to be our most authentic selves.****
Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to “better” coping mechanisms. What works well for one person might not be ideal for another. However, trying new methods of expressing ourselves can be helpful. By taking small, experimental steps, we can find what works for us today. This is not an overnight method. It’s consistent check ins with the question: how is this working for me?
ACTION: Take a moment to reflect. What were you taught about expressing yourself, perhaps by family or social circles? Now, think about someone you admire for their confidence or authenticity. How does their approach differ from what you learned? Identify a small step you can take today to bridge that gap. Maybe it’s sharing an opinion in a meeting, joining a club that interests you, or simply introducing yourself to someone new.
