I naturally want to swoop in and “fix” things when I see someone stressed. But sometimes, good intentions can backfire. I might inadvertently enable or belittle someone’s struggle.
Rather than imposing my help, I try to remember to ask “How can I help you (right now)?” It’s a simple question used in disaster recovery situations, and has a surprising power beyond immediate crisis management. It gives me a valuable first step to offering support in a way that’s respectful, collaborative, and ultimately, more effective.
Think about a disaster recovery team. They have a well-defined plan – a roadmap to guide them through the chaos. They know exactly what needs to be done and the specific resources required. In this situation, asking “How can I help you right now?” is the perfect question. It allows the team to quickly and efficiently communicate their needs, whether it’s additional manpower, specific equipment, or logistical assistance.
Here’s why this question is so effective:
- Shifts the focus: It moves the attention away from the other person’s perceived problem and onto their current needs.
- Empowers the stressed individual: It allows the person to articulate their needs instead of feeling like they need to be “rescued.”
- Creates an opportunity for collaboration: It opens a dialogue where the person can express what would be most helpful instead of having you guess (most likely incorrectly).
Since I learned this approach, I’ve started incorporating it into my daily life. When I see a friend or loved one overwhelmed, instead of offering vague support, I ask, “How can I help you right now?”
It took some getting used to. I’m still practicing and adjusting to the discomfort of letting someone deal with their own struggles instead of trying to (needlessly and ineffectively) take responsibility for it.
The power of “how can I help you right now” encourages vulnerability and empowers those we care about to be specific about their needs. It creates a space where genuine support can be offered – a space where we can truly help, not just assume we know best.
I also try to express what I need from someone when I am the one in distress. I used to shy away from it. I’d say “I’m fine” even though I could have used some help.
By adopting this “disaster recovery” communication technique, when we are both offering and asking for help in this way, we can build stronger, more supportive relationships in all aspects of our lives. Of course, not everyone will be receptive to this approach. Pay attention to cues and respect boundaries if someone seems to prefer another way of being supported.
ACTION:
Next time someone you care about seems stressed, instead of “everything okay?” Try asking “How can I help you right now?” This shift opens a dialogue and empowers them to express their needs. Notice how this question changes your interactions.
