When something goes wrong, it’s easy to blame someone else. Maybe my parents didn’t give me what I needed, my partner isn’t noticing me, or my friend is too demanding. Any of those things could be true, but putting all my frustration on other people rarely makes things better. I believe in being direct and telling the people close to me when something feels wrong, but after I’ve said it once, going over it again and again usually doesn’t help. Instead, I need to turn inward and ask, What’s my part in this mess? What am I doing that keeps me in this loop?
At first, looking for my part feels hard, like I’m blaming myself. But that’s not the point. It’s about shifting from feeling helpless to taking action. For example, if I’m being taken advantage of, I can let someone know once. But if nothing changes, it’s not my job to train them into someone I’d rather be around. My work is to ask myself what I’m doing that allows it. Maybe I need to practice saying no or setting clearer boundaries. When I focus on my role, I’m not relying on someone else to improve things for me.
Finding fault in myself isn’t about guilt or being a “better” person. It’s about taking responsibility so I can live differently. Sometimes, we’re so focused on being “good and kind” that we ignore the ways we abandon ourselves. But kindness starts with being good to myself first. When I skip that, my actions aren’t truly kind—they’re about keeping the peace, making things smooth, or staying comfortable. Without practicing kindness toward myself, my kindness toward others might just be another way to control a situation instead of truly connecting.
Owning my part in a situation isn’t about taking on someone else’s responsibilities or faults; it’s about finding my power. When I see my role clearly, I get to shape what happens next. I might need to set a boundary, say no, or let others learn their own lessons. Doing this lets me go forward without resentment or unmet expectations. Kindness and respect become real only when they start with me and grow outward.
ACTION: Next time you feel frustrated, pause and ask yourself, What’s my role here? What’s one thing I can change on my end?
