I used to think that being strong meant sticking it out with people—even when it didn’t feel right. I stayed in friendships where I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells. I kept making plans with people who seemed to criticize more than they cared. I stayed close to family members who showed me, again and again, that they didn’t know how to love me the way I needed.
I told myself I could handle it. That I wasn’t being fair. That maybe I was too sensitive. And that relationships take work—so this was just the work.
But sitting in support groups gave me another perspective. I noticed how safe it felt when someone listened without judgment. How it softened something in me when a person spoke honestly and didn’t try to fix or change me. No one was trying to prove anything. They were just being kind, and that kindness was real.
I started to realize that I didn’t have to keep choosing what hurt. That going where it’s warm didn’t mean surrounding myself with people who always agreed with me or told me what I wanted to hear. It meant choosing to be with people who were honest and compassionate. Who treated me with care, even when we were talking about hard things.
This isn’t about avoiding discomfort—sometimes the most honest moments happen in hard conversations—but they don’t need to leave me feeling smaller or unsafe.
Sometimes that choice is lonely. I don’t have as many people around me as I once did. But being alone feels a lot better than being surrounded by people who don’t really care about me.
I’m still learning. I still doubt myself. But when I find warmth, I notice how it feels, and I try to let myself stay there.
ACTION: Think about a recent moment when you felt more at ease—maybe you laughed, relaxed your shoulders, or didn’t feel like you had to explain yourself. Where were you? Who were you with? This week, try spending a little more time in places or with people that bring even a bit of that feeling. Remember that practicing a little warmth toward yourself counts—go for a walk, speak kindly to yourself, or skip the self-criticism. Make feeling safe more familiar.
