Have you ever looked back at a past relationship and felt a pang of confusion? You remember the fun, the laughter, the moments of pure joy. But you also know there were darker moments. You realize that you weren’t always valued. Maybe you were even ignored or treated with disrespect.
It’s natural to feel a surge of frustration or anger when we realize we weren’t always treated with the respect and care we deserved. However, dwelling in that anger keeps us stuck. If we want to grow and get better, it helps to acknowledge the role we might have played in past situations, however uncomfortable that may be.
Owning our part in the narrative can be humbling. It’s far easier to paint ourselves as the blameless victim with no responsibility for any of it. But true empowerment comes from acknowledging our own contributions to the story. This doesn’t mean giving a pass to people who have hurt us. It’s more about recognizing any choices or patterns that might have kept us in unhealthy situations.
For example, maybe in our deep yearning for connection, we readily accepted crumbs of attention masquerading as genuine love. Recognizing how our own unmet needs might have created a vulnerability for manipulation is a crucial step in making healthier choices going forward.
Important points to remember:
- Don’t take full blame: Toxic relationships often involve manipulative behaviors from one or both partners.
- Focus on growth: The goal is to understand your role, not dwell on blame. Use this knowledge to build healthier relationships in the future.
- Be kind to yourself: It takes courage to examine past relationships. Acknowledge your efforts and celebrate your growth.
Healing from a toxic relationship takes time and self-compassion (and, perhaps, therapy). By taking these steps, you can gain valuable insights and move forward in a healthier way.
ACTION: After reflecting on a past relationship, choose one value you want in future relationships (e.g., respect, honesty). Write down three specific behaviors that demonstrate that value (e.g., active listening, open communication, keeping promises). This helps clarify what “healthy” looks like for you moving forward.
