First, I admitted I had a rainbow of feelings—emotions that extend beyond sweet joy and happiness to include those associated with negativity like anger, hurt, and sadness. Then I worked on noticing and naming my emotions. The next question became: what do I do about them?
In the past, expressing anger hasn’t always led to good outcomes. It’s resulted in disagreements, fights, and pain. Even when I’ve expressed sadness to someone, it felt like I was bringing them down, or they might have even gotten defensive about MY feelings. I needed to find a way to respond to emotions without solely relying on journaling; I have to manage my feelings while out in the world.
When I took a closer look at what went wrong when sharing my feelings, one major issue was that I was reacting to life rather than creating one. I didn’t even realize it. I thought I was yelling because it was necessary to be heard. I thought I was being honest and helpful when I was just being hurtful and unnecessarily aggressive.
When I started putting a pause before responding to a big emotion, I became less likely to add pain to a difficult situation. Taking time to think about my responses makes me less likely to misrepresent my thoughts. Asking questions instead of leaning into my anger helps me avoid misunderstandings. It was important for me to see that I had more options in my responses than to just react and call it passion.
Another aspect I had to consider was that I was doing what people call: going to the hardware store to buy apples. In other words: looking for love in all the wrong places.
Just because someone says they love me—or even someone who really does love me—does not mean they know how to navigate all my feelings. I’ve learned that there are friends who love you but only want to express that in play. So when I’m feeling playful and want to laugh, I call them. When I need a shoulder to cry on, that might be a different person to contact. There are people in my life who can be with me through multiple feelings, but I still like to diversify. Reaching out to various people ensures I get a well-rounded experience and avoid overwhelming one person with all my feelings.
Yes, friends and family love me and offer to be here for me when I want and need, and that’s a really great feeling. But I also want to notice what people are capable of offering and what I can partake in. To do that, my first obligation is always to check on myself. What do I feel and what options do I have in response to those feelings?
“Anybody can become angry—that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” – Aristotle
ACTION: Next time you feel a strong emotion, take a moment to pause before reacting. Breathe deeply and remind yourself that it’s okay to have these feelings without immediately understanding them. This practice can help you manage your emotions more effectively and choose responses that align with your true intentions.
