You’re Not Helping!
Have you ever thought, “I wish someone could stop you from doing the behavior that you keep complaining about”? Watching someone you love make the same mistake over and over again can be incredibly frustrating. Whether it’s getting into bad relationships, treating their body harshly, or beating themselves up needlessly, it’s hard to see people you care about hurting themselves. Especially when you believe you can see the solution clearly, feeling helpless is natural.
What can I do? Here are a few things I’ve found helpful:
It’s Not Them, It’s Me: I remind myself that I don’t actually know how to fix their situation or their life. What I perceive as a problem might not be one to them. They have their own journey, and my perception might not be the full picture.
That’s Not Helpful: The “I know better than you” approach never works well. It often comes across as condescending and frustrating to the person you’re trying to help. Instead, I ask what they need and reassure them that I’ll be there for them in whatever way I can.
I Know You Are But What Am I: When I feel the “rescue itch”—the urge to save someone—I pause and check myself. Often, the need to fix someone else’s problems stems from my own unmet needs. I make sure I’m okay before trying to help others.
Helping friends, family, and the community is wonderful, but even well-intentioned acts need specific boundaries to respect everyone’s autonomy. While I want everyone (including myself) to feel good, I know there will be times of struggle. I believe we can manage it together, with compassion and respect for each other’s paths.
ACTION: When you feel the urge to fix someone else’s problem, take a moment to pause and reflect on your own needs first. Spend one minute doing a quick self-check: Are you feeling anxious, stressed, or overwhelmed? Address your own emotional state before offering support. This practice not only helps you approach the situation with a clear mind but also ensures that your help is genuinely beneficial and not driven by your own unresolved feelings.
