The Fixer

When someone comes to me with a problem, my inclination is to find solutions. I think we’ve all felt this way; if someone we love is struggling through something, we want to use our knowledge and our resources to help them resolve their issue as quickly as possible. Why, then, do leading experts say that this is exactly what is not helpful?

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. When a person is complaining about an issue, most likely they are simply venting. They are trusting us with their thoughts. Their goal is not to get information from us but to release the inner monologue and air out frustration. They are likely looking for an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.
2. If we try to solve someone’s problem while they’re venting, it might come off like we don’t want to hear their troubles. It might feel like we are rushing them through an emotion to get the one that we are more comfortable with.
3. Often, people sharing their problems already know the solution or have some options to improve the situation. They likely don’t need our fixes. If we try to fix their problems instead of listening, it might seem like we’re saying they can’t figure it out themselves. We are robbing them of their process to avoid the intimacy of listening.
4. If we listen closely, we can hear what people want when they’re talking to us. If the person talking has not asked for help directly, it is likely that the help that we offer will be misguided and potentially insulting. When someone is upset, and we want to help, lets wait to be asked for assistance or let’s ask the person specifically how we can be there for them.

Let’s be curious instead of result-oriented in order to be of service to the people we love.

ACTION: listen from a curious place today. Before responding, pause. Consider asking a question rather than relaying an answer.