What’s Your Problem
If you came to me with a problem a few years ago, my initial response would likely have been to immediately find a way to take that problem from you and try to fix it. I couldn’t manage the image of you being in pain and I would volunteer to endure the pain for you as much as possible.
The problem with that is there are some painful experiences that people need to go through to become the responsible, happy adults they can be. I can’t take the pain that someone needs to feel in order to do something like face their phobias, leave an unhealthy relationship, or train for a marathon. When people work through their own issues, they pick up invaluable information that cannot be taught any other way than through experience.
What I’ve learned to do is:
- SEPARATE MY FEELINGS FROM THEIRS – I don’t absorb their sadness. It’s a temporary state, and I don’t need to control it for them. I let them feel it and simply listen.
- BELIEVE IN PEOPLE – Don’t offer to take on their responsibilities. Just because they are complaining about something doesn’t mean they’re incapable of handling it. Believe in the fact that they can find a way.
- LISTEN – Offer support on their terms. I let them know I care and ask if there’s something specific they need. They deserve the respect of figuring out their own solutions. Often, they just need a listening ear to vent or share their struggles.
By practicing these responses, I can be there for friends and family and respect their ability to take care of themselves while not losing myself in the process.
ACTION: When someone you care about shares a problem, listen without interrupting or offering solutions. Acknowledge their feelings and, if you want to help, ask if there’s anything specific you can do to support them.
