Why I’ve Been Embarrassed to Be Myself
I’m a pretty excitable, emotional person. That used to be really embarrassing. I would make my reactions smaller or hide them altogether. Like when I see a friend I haven’t seen in a while, it fills me with joy. And even as I write the word “joy,” I can feel some people cringe like I used to. I would stay calm and non-reactive so that I didn’t look like a fool for being excited to be with and have the friendship of a person I really like.
Expressing things like awe for a sunset and gratitude for a new day was considered weak when I was growing up—or at least that’s what it felt like. To express warmth and appreciation felt uncomfortable. I’d worry I was coming off as too naive, immature, and downright ditzy. I felt like I couldn’t be taken seriously if I was “soft.” I felt judged and suppressed a lot of inner expression.
I was so wrong. The truth is, I’ll be judged whether I express my silly thoughts or not. Everything that I say is ridiculous and unnecessary, and everything that I say is wonderful and interesting. It depends who’s listening. So, I practiced being myself. Now, I openly say mushy things like “I’m so glad I get to see you today. It means a lot to me. And “Wow the sky looks so amazing today. I’m glad I looked up.”
Being myself has been uncomfortable—maybe for others, but mostly for me. I found that when I practice expressing the real me, the sincerity of it all removes the oddness from it. The more genuine my response, the closer I get to participating in what truly suits me. This has, sometimes, meant moving away from people and places that don’t fit as much, but it’s also brought me closer to those that do.
This journey, like everything else, has been experimental, sometimes embarrassing, and occasionally lonely during the transition. But it’s also been affirming, warm, thrilling, and—admittedly—sometimes a bit boring.
Life is everything. It’s full of moments you hope to never relive, but also of feelings of warmth and comfort. It all exists, and it’s worth the effort. Let’s try again today and see what happens.
ACTION: As an experiment, practice being yourself in small ways today. Try letting a little more of the real you show. Say yes if you want to say yes and no if you mean no. See how it feels. Extra points if you journal those feelings.
