When Helping Hurts

I’ve always loved helping. I’d jump in to make someone’s work easier, help their party go smoothly, or even try to boost their self-esteem. It felt good to be the person who set aside my own needs to be of service.

But when I really looked at it, I started to see it wasn’t all sunshine. Not everyone appreciated my help. Some were polite but distant. Others didn’t seem to notice. And a few even seemed resentful.

That used to baffle me. I thought I was doing something good—so why weren’t people more grateful? But after some reflection, I realized I wasn’t always helping. I was trying to control things.

• I felt more secure when I had a role. Instead of being just another person in the room, having something to do made me feel less vulnerable.
• No one had actually asked for my help. I was offering it because being useful gave me an identity—it was easier than figuring out who I was without that.
• I didn’t trust others to manage things on their own. I’d step in and take away their chance to handle their own challenges and grow.

Once I saw it that way, I understood why my “help” wasn’t always welcome. And I’ve learned to step back.

Now, when I feel that urge to jump in without being asked, I take a pause. Usually, that feeling comes from me wanting to control the situation or make something happen. The truth is, in those moments, it’s probably me who needs help. I still enjoy helping others, but now I check in with myself first. I assess what actually needs to be done and what people are genuinely asking for. That way, I can show up in a way that’s a real help—to both them and me.

ACTION: The next time you feel the urge to jump in and help without being asked, take a moment. Ask yourself, “Is this really needed? Or is this about me wanting control?” Practice stepping back when it’s unnecessary.